Teenage Angst.

Anonymous asked: You're the one that messed up! Why are you upset that she won't talk to you. You know the reason and it's your fault.

You think I don’t know that I messed up?  You think that I don’t know what hell I put Paige through, especially the one time where I attempted suicide with her on the phone?  How about the time we got into an argument and then I attempted the biggest one of my life.  I’m not upset at her.  I’m upset at myself.  I know the reason quite well.  I blame myself.  I could never blame her for leaving behind the weights in her life that are holding her back….I’m doing the same thing…I mean I’m in foster care and have cut all ties with my real father.  However, I think at the same time in this past year I have grown beyond belief.  I’m not the same depressed, un-medicated love stricken trying to figure out his homosexuality and faith 16/17 year old.  I’m now almost a “man”.  Who is in foster care.  Who is doing the “right stuff” with his life.  Who has brought up his gpa almost .3 whole points.  Who has done so much to better myself.  I’m also properly medicated and no longer struggling with my identity.  I know it sounds stupid because I had more than enough “chances”; I just wish I had one more.

I’m not trying to get with her again, or take away Merritte or anything of that.  I just remember a time when we were best friends, when we told each other of our deepest secrets.  When we dreamed, out loud, of a live in which we were family, not in a relationship way but of best friends.  We dreamed of traveling the world.  I mean just look at Paige’s blog (which hasn’t been updated since before we stopped talking), it clearly says all of these things and how much I meant to her.  I’m sure I still mean the world and will always have a special place in her heart; just as she does mine.  However, every person with which you give special regard you never really get “over”.  Like I said before, it’s like a death, you move on and stop mourning but the grief never truly leaves.

Now on to you.  You know quite a bit about this relationship.  Being that I’ve remade my blog I get quite the feeling that you know one of us irl.  I’m not mad at you, I’d just love to know who you are and carry on this conversation elsewhere.

So in summation; I do know what I did.  I do know that I, and I alone, messed up.  I’m not upset at her.  I’m happy for her.  I do know the reason.  However, that does not mean I can’t have periods of remorse and regret about what happened and have sappy “I wish I wasn’t so stupid” reminiscent days.  I mean don’t tell me a while after a breakup you went and looked through old pictures wishing things were different; still being realistic though and knowing things won’t change.  That’s what this is.

Some real creepy shit, get your fix

Hey Anon,

It wouldn’t let me reply so here.

”How could I not be?  I believe you never really get over someone, especially if you never said proper goodbyes or whatever.  You just sort of move on and learn to live with it.  Sort of like death.  There is a grieving process that ends, however you never get over the anguish and sometimes it just comes flooding back. Paige was my first ever true love.  She is probably the one and only female I will ever love in that way.  Paige meant the world to me.  Paige still means the world to me.  I mean it’s not so much that I’m not over it yet, it’s just that sometimes I reminisce and wish things were different.  I never really said goodbye or got closure.  It was more of I did something stupid, ended up in the hospital, and she had already moved on when I got out.  I don’t say any of that out of spite, Paige is strong and I know she was only doing what was best for her.  They say if you really love yourself sometimes you have to not love someone else.  It does help to know that she is doing extremely well.  Sometimes I just happen across her blog or something about her and then I wonder how she’s doing so I creep on her and then I start looking at the old memories and get all emotional and yeah.  I’ll be okay.  It’s been a little over a year since it all went down and I’ve survived, so I’ll be okay.  Thanks for asking though!

Wait a minute, you say yet…and I haven’t really talked about Paige much since I re-made and just by that one post you seem to know a lot.  Are you one of my old followers?  Oh my lord, which one?  Come off anon please!  I miss my old followers!”

Interrogate me

I haven’t

been on here in just about forever.  I haven’t had much time.  You guys, there are only 11 school days until graduation!!!

Anyways, I’ve been doing really well lately overall.

However, over the past few days I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder as well as feeling lonely.

It has a lot to do with the one college I applied to and planned on going to rejected me.  Therefore, now it’s a bit too late to apply anywhere else and I have no idea what I’m going to do or where I’m going!  I mean I got accepted to Liberty University, but that’s really not the place for me.

It’s not being alone that bothers me, it’s feeling alone.

My love life has sucked recently, lots of rejection.

Clay has moved on.

I should have moved on already.

I had a breakdown about Paige the other day.

It’s really beginning to settle in that I no longer have a home or a real family, only a foster family and after high school I’m on my own, like for real.

Just comfort me or something?

icouldntfindanyotherusername:

fucking-tom-hiddleston:

k-lionheart:

continualsanitynotlikely:

If this gets 3 million notes I’ll make a dress out of these

And wear it to the nearest major city 

SIGNAL BOOST AND IF IT GETS TO FOUR MILLION YOU’VE GOT TO MAKE A TIARA THAT MATCHES.

YOU’RE GONNA REGRET PUTTING THIS ON TUMBLR

OMG I’VE NOT BEEN THIS EXCITED SINCE THE FLUFFY CHICKEN POST

(via trappedcircle)

When I put my camera on self-timer

sodamnrelatable:

(Source: manda)